I have learned in a short period of time how much people can worry about you if you don’t speak up and tell them whats going on inside your head. After receiving unsettling news about Jimmers MRI scan in September, that the brain tumor was slowly making a come back. I knew a lot of people were worried about Jimmers, about me. This was my response…
I have found myself, as water flows, constantly moving, changing, and adapting to the next bend in the river bank or life as you’d call it. The ground forever shifting below my feet, components being moved all around me. Yet I find myself in calm waters as if I was made for this, as if I were the water itself. For a while I thought I was supposed to swim against the current, I thought to fight with all my strength was how you win. What is winning though? That question has crossed my mind lately so much. Maybe that is what strength is, letting go and having faith. For a while I thought winning was to have Jimmy completely healed and that would be that. We could get on with our lives, focus on homework, PTA meetings, and what sports Jimmy will be playing next. Life would be simple again, then I thought maybe it’s not supposed to be. After Jimmy was diagnosed with the brain tumor over 5 years ago, that was my first thought… just get him better so you can breathe again. As time comes to pass I realize it wasn’t about getting to the end, it is learning how to breathe through it. All of it and growing along the way.
There is a bigger plan in place, a much bigger plan than I originally thought. As I see pieces of it coming together, I am beginning to understand the true essence and power of what this journey actually means. Learning how to float, overcoming the waves and rough waters, and seeing the beauty in every moment of my life, is just as important as an end result of “winning”. Like the glimmer on the water from the reflection of light just as the sun sets…it reminds me of reflection in all things. It’s being able to adapt, it’s embracing this journey no matter how hard it seems. I know how to keep moving forward, we’re getting the hang of this. My hope is you see our journey and it helps you in some way.
The results of an MRI scan can have the power to stop you dead in your tracks if you let it, but if you really think about it life hasn’t stopped, why should you? Jimmers is still Jimmers no matter what that scan says and that is something to be extremely grateful for, as we are.
Now I have come to understand swimming with the current, getting a feel for how life flows around me, allowing myself to be eager of what’s around the bend instead of fearing it, that’s my role. Everyone has challenges, obstacles they face, some far more daunting than ours. I never forget going through all this. So even when the results seem scary, that’s when I have this deep calm, and I trust in that feeling, I trust in God. I refuse to drown in the dark because I know that no amount of darkness can hide from the light. Darkness doesn’t actually exist, it’s only a lack of light. For how do you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. So shine.
My purpose and my understanding is to allow Jimmy to shine with all his grace and beauty and I to flow with the current, to breath and to shine in the so-called darkness.
I don’t want you to worry, I want you to smile and have faith. Know your prayers and positive thoughts are working. God is with us all the time, guiding us on this crazy journey. He has a plan and so do we. So think of Jimmy and smile…there are so many amazing things coming in all this change and I can’t wait to show you them.
All my love and gratitude to all of you! God Bless
I share this with you because no matter what your battle is or whatever it is your fighting you will learn to adapt, you will learn how to float. Believe in yourself, I believe in you. All I keep telling myself is, “You were born to do this Lacie, you were born to do this,” and I keep moving forward.